Found out
What if she finds out?
No, there is no "what if".
She'll find out,
its just a matter of time.
But when she does,
What then?
How will she react?
Will she be pissed or upset?
Will she hate me even more?
Why hasn't he told her?
The longer it takes the worse it'll be.
So why the hell has he NOT told her?
He really loves her, doesn't wanna lose her.
But if he waits much longer,
it will be unavoidable.
She'll be gone,
and forever this time.
I'm just sitting here waiting.
Waiting for all the drama and bad times to break out.
Waiting, watching the clock,
the calendar,
and the Earth's revolutions around the sun.
Maybe she wont ever have to find out.
I start to relax,
Sit back just a bit.
Wait a minute, who is that?
That girl over there?
That girl screaming and crying, who is it?
Oh shit, i think she just found out.
Comments
This is great !!! You are really talented....I love the way the tension built....and then the part where you get to relax and enjoy the denial.....and BOOM....the screaming....
Wow.....The questions, the short sentences....the tension.....really, really great stuff !!!
thanks! i like this one too. thanks for the feedback. im going to take a look @ some of yours :)
thanks again.
Bold, brassy, great freestyle. A little too unstructured for my tastes, but the build is fantastic. Right here, well done -
Waiting, watching the clock,
the calendar,
and the Earth's revolutions around the sun.
There's a lot of potential here, keep up the writing and good luck!
Brandi.....we want more !!!! I'll keep checking back for new stuff....I know I won't be dissapointed !!!
I can't help but wonder what it was he didn't tell her.....
thanks. so what do you mean by unstructured, maybe i can make some that are a little more.. structued i guess lol :)
thanks for the feedback
ok ill keep writing. planned on it anyways.. just get a little... busy sometimes.
so... ummm yeah. ill tell you what he isnt telling her in a message.. :)
ok well maybe i wont send it in a message... my comp is being GHEY lol. so yeah.. lol oh well tho. its ok :)
but yeah...it was about my x bf Jon. Well... Jon was a virgin, then we dated, now hes not (so was i btw.. 2 virgins.. n it want very good.. it kinda suked actually lol sry a lil tmi prolly...lol) so yeah.. thats what he wasnt telling his gf.. i wrote it cause i was worried that she was going to find out, then id be the cause of them breaking up, and he like REALLY REALLY loves her so i didnt want that to happen 2 him... so yeah.
The weird thing is.. i wrote that, then the next day he called me CRYING because she found out and he needed my help to fix it.. they didnt break up cause i fixed it by telling her and everyone else it was a rumor.. (which was REALLY nice of my to help them stay together, cause i still liked him, A LOT... but he loves her, n i wanted him 2 b happy so. yeah lol)
so yeah. now ya know :)
I would encourage you that if you are serious about writing, that you use complete sentences, proper capitalization, and eliminate abbreviations. Yes, you can go back to my comments and find plenty of mistakes, but I do not make them intentionally. If you are just expressing yourself through your work, that would be acceptable, but I hope and believe you would like to be taken seriously. Please do not take this as negative criticism, it is just encouragement. I think you would really stand out as thoughtful individual if you distanced yourself from your peers by doing that.
As to unstructured, I believe it reads very sentence-like in certain areas, such as -
The longer it takes the worse it'll be.
So why the hell has he NOT told her?
He really loves her, doesn't wanna lose her.
But if he waits much longer,
it will be unavoidable.
it sounds very direct, as if I am reading words being shot at me. I understand the emotion behind it is powerful, but I think the words could flow better. I would recommend the use of metaphors, just like your "time" section I referenced above.
Note - I have just read your two new pieces and am anxious to comment on them. I see progess already!
yeah.. sometimes it's intentional for me to do that.. sometimes it's a force of habbit of typing like that.. and others its just me rushing through trying to do it fast... i try to go over it but i miss things.
yeah. i get the unstructured thing.. u r right. flow is really important, thanks for the advice.
glad to see you like my writing :)